The Triad of Communism Tour is Complete and the Smell of Coffee in Good Morning Vietnam!

Hello, greetings, welcome back and how are ya doin'!  Seriously, we here at the YRC are in a GREAT MOOD !   Why, if the mood was any better it would be illegal in certain southern states in the U.S.

Why are we full of mirth?  First, the rarest of all events in Shanghai is happening right now.  Yes, dear friends....the sun is shining here in the 'Hai.   Second, the YRC staff, their luggage and snarky attitudes have all arrived in the euphoric conclusion of the 24-day Napa, Naptown and Napalm Tour.  We are now here on ChangShu Lu in the Jing'An District.  The third reason for mirth is that its Friday, and time for this week's Yellow River Chronicles!  So put on your sunglasses and pour yourself a tall "333" beer, because today we are headed to the Viet of Nam, Ho Chi Minh City and the Mekong Delta.


Here at the YRC, we say "start strong and then fade out later when the reader gets tired".  So let us start with this:  If there is an iconic destination for those of us from the 60's and 70's, it is Vietnam.   Some of us were called to serve there, some of us saw combat, some of us resisted going there, some of us went to jail to protest those who were there, some of us were not called but lost friends there, but we were all changed by the experience of that War and its consequences.

Huey with mini-gun on display at War Remnants Museum

Out in the Mekong Delta

Vietnam was always there in the news, in conversation, in the body counts playing on the radio in the background. The films are legion: Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, The Deer Hunter, Green Berets, Platoon, just to name a few. Wikipedia lists 125 films about the war. So to actually visit was a particular honor.

To summarize, to cut to the chase, to put a bow on it, Vietnam was not what we expected.

Of the three cities in the Triad of Communism (Moscow, Beijing and Ho Chi Minh City), we expected the experience as Americans to be the most difficult in Vietnam.

Millions of Vietnamese and tens of thousands of American soldiers died in a 20-year war that appears, from a historical perspective, to have accomplished absolutely nothing.  (We would recommend "A Bright Shining Lie"  is a great book on the subject, if you are interested.)

But to keep the narrative moving and NOT refight the War, we here at the YRC felt that, as a rule, Americans would not be particulary welcome in Vietnam.

To support this notion, our experience in Moscow (see the Throw Lenin from the Train columns) showed us a city that has not forgotten a much more distant WWII.   The pall of the War still hangs heavy in Russia and signs of it are everywhere.  Moscow remains a haunted city and you do not see many German tourists there.

Rush hour, Saigon

So how was HCMC??  The city itself is a typical Southeast Asian capital, with more motorbikes than usual.  Traffic is tough and driving is a full contact sport.  There are the usual markets selling fake stuff (usually from China), there is fun street food and lots of cheap beer.  With the explosive growth in the economy, there is construction everywhere, generally new skyscrapers.  There are tourists zones and tourist bars and you can get a good suit made there even more cheaply than Shanghai.

The people aspect, however, is a little more difficult to describe. The experience was unique in many ways.  In our keeping of cutting edge narrative and daring reporting, we here at the YRC think the best way to summarize the experience in 'Nam is with an anecdote.  We will use an anecdotal narrative, so to speak.

The top "Thing to Do" in Saigon (as the locals call Ho Chi MInh City...the only place you see HCMC is at the airport) is to take a run out on the Mekong Delta in a fast moving, modern version of the PBR, the Saigon River Cruiser.  With an iced coffee in hand, we watched as the complex of canals of the city fell behind and small villages flashed by.   Our guide, Han, cheerfully led us through a series of villages, markets and temples.   Everybody was friendly.  Everybody waved.  People stopped to talk to us.  Children followed us around, singing "Heeeeeeyooooooo!   Heeeeyyyoooooo!"

Leading member of the 'Heyyoooooo" team

Back on the boat, after a tasty mango snack and a refreshing fresh coconut drink, Han wanted to talk geopolitics.  How did we, as Americans currently living in China, like the Chinese?

It takes a Village to Raise a Duckling

YRC:     We like them fine.  (Are there any mangoes left?) We have to like them.  America owes them too much money.

Han:      Ha ha. We do not like them.  We think they are getting too aggressive.

YRC:     You mean in the South China Sea?  They seem to think it belongs to them.

Han:     It does not belong to them.  It belongs to many countries and to Vietnam.  If the Chinese get too strong, they will be a big problem.

YRC:     Well, we can see why you might be worried.  They just launched their first aircraft carrier after all.

Han:     Vietnam is a small country.  We will need protection against them.  They are too strong for small countries in Southeast Asia.

YRC:   Probably so.  But, China was your ally during the war.  Who do you think is going to protect you against them?

And here, Han stopped and looked puzzled.

Han:   Why, you!  (looking surprised we did not know)  We are looking to the Americans to protect us against the Chinese.  Only you are strong enough to face them.

And so, the axis of the universe took one of those miraculous turns.  That sudden twist in perspective reminded us that there may be nations.  Nations may have their histories, government and politics, but even so, a nation is just people.  Everybody has their own perspective on things.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, the enemy that was an enemy is a friend and the ally that is an enemy is an enemy.  The Chinese helped us beat you and now you will help us beat the Chinese.  Heeeeeyooooooo, and welcome back!  It was with this curious bit of knowledge that we rolled back to Saigon, a city that would apparently be glad to see us.  And if we get the chance, we'll be happy to go back and get Heeeeyooooo'd again.

And we'll be glad to see you back next week for another exciting edition of Yellow River Chronicles.  Stay healthy and stayed tuned, and we'll chat next week!

Escape from Chinatown and the Fading Notes of Smoke and Graphite

What is up, dude and dudettes!   Thanks so much for gathering poolside to once again share the acrimony and salty innuendo here at the Yellow River Chronicles.   As you may have noticed, we had a "VACANT" sign on the office door as the truant YRC staff headed for California for the first stop in the Napa, Naptown and Napalm tour.  Our BAD, man! We will make it up to you with a few ice cold glasses of good old YRC moonshine.  Yes, dear readers, for next series we will be Narcistic in Northern California,  Noisy in Naptown and Happy in Ho Chi Minh City as we hurtle around the globe in our search for the smell of Cabernet in the morning.

We are going to kick this edition off with an update on one of our favorite subjects, Evil Food in the PR of C.  As you may recall in an earlier column, we introduced "Toxic Food Bingo".   The mayhem continues during Shanghai's hairy crab season with "Bleached Crabs".  Here is it from www.shanghaiist.com.

Bootleg crabs mar another hairy crab season

By Benjamin Cost

The annual scourge of bootleg hairy crabs, one of China's most notorious counterfeit items, will ensure that you have a less than merry Autumn hairy crab season.

Each fall, hairy crab pirates duplicate China's most coveted crustacean: the Yangcheng Lake hairy crab, an expensive delicacy prized for its sweet, delicate meat.

Unfortunately for the Yangcheng Lake Hairy Crab Association, shanzai crabs are here to stay, unlike shanzai phones which are on their way out: the counterfeit market for hairy crabs is ten times greater than that for authentic hairy crabs. Just ask local crabber Xing, who says, "Everything is being counterfeited. There's nothing you can do about it. And you can't control it."

And believe us, the Yangcheng Lake Hairy Crab Association has tried everything from hiking up the price by 10 to 20 percent in 2010 to giving every shipment a 12-digit security code. This year, they distributed 15 million plastic "crab authentication" tags complete with serial numbers and a toll-free number to help customers distinguish their crabs from the fugazis.

Did we mention that sellers have even taken to using lasers to etch serial numbers onto the crabs themselves? The hairy crab black market is not to be toyed with, apparently.

Even still, the authenticity tags aren't entirely trustworthy, as many tagged crabs don't even originate in Yangcheng Lake, located 3km northeast of Suzhou. Many crabs spend only half a year before the harvest at Yangcheng Lake, since six months is the minimum period required for a crab to get its Yangcheng Lake bona fides. Increasingly, more and more alien crabs will have to be imported to the lake due to nearby human development interrupting crab breeding patterns (after all, the lake's just a short train ride from Shanghai).

With all the fakes on the market, people might be less eager to spend the 300 yuan a piece on these two-faced scuttlers.

Next week, bleached pork!!  And now for something completely different:

To start the Calfornia tour report with our usual blend of candor and rancor, we are going to discuss hauntings.  Let us elaborate:  some are haunted by spirits, some are haunted by their past, some (you know who you are) are haunted by small whiney children with sticky hands and others are haunted by the notion that maybe they should be doing something better with their time.

Let Us Pet Us

Here at the YRC we are haunted by Chinatowns.  Whenever we visit a city, a Chinatown jumps out of an alley reeking of dim sum and stalks us through crowded markets filled with plastic buddhas and fake Rolexes.   Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Chicago, New York, London, you name it.

It was our fear of the dreaded San Francisco Chinatown that led us to hide out in the Castro, setting for the film "Milk".  The film was neither about dairy products nor Wisconsin, but instead the life and times of Harvey Milk.  Harvey is remembered by a small plaque in front of his former camera store and the Castro Street Fair.  We saw both while we were there.  While we were disappointed that there were no amulets at the Fair, there were some excellent snacks and a few curious booths, including a "Petting Zoo".  You figure it out.

The Check's in the Mail

While San Francisco is the setting for many, many great films, our favorite remains "Big Trouble in Little China" featuring Kurt Russell as Jack Burton.  Heres the link to the trailer on YouTube if you're interested in checking it out.  It's all in the reflexes.

From Rotten Tomatoes:  Playing in a manner that can be conservatively described as larger than life, Kurt Russell plays a macho truck driver who agrees to go to the San Francisco airport and pick up his friend's (Dennis Dun) fiancee (Suzee Pai, freshly arrived from China. Suddenly, a gang of Chinatown toughs kidnap the girl right before Russell's eyes. After a wild chase sequence, Russell discovers that the girl has been abducted by a genuine, bonafide sorceror (James Hong), the ghost of a 3000 year old warlord. And that's just for starters. 

Big Trouble in Little China Trailer on Youtube

The Haight sans Ashbury

When we fully recovered from the Fair, we also took in the rather dreary Haight-Ashbury, the Botanical Gardens and Muir Woods.   Why, you might ask, and all we can say is, maybe we were in the mood for....plants.   And excellent plants they were, including a display of "Wicked Plants" that included carnivorous and poisonous plants.    Along that line, have you ever wondered why Botanical Gardens are called Botanical?  After all, what is in a garden that is not, in fact, botanical?  Curious.

Part of the Wicked Plants Exhibit

The Mighty Redwood Groves

A highlight for the staff was the spectacular redwoods at Muir.  Whenever we visit Muir Woods, we have the overwhelming urge to bow before them.  While this creates the risk of stroller people from the Plains running over you, it does show the respect that the Big Trees command.

When we finally made it to Napa we were pleased to find that there was no Chinatown there, and in fact, dozens of fine establishments dedicated to wine.  Napa has that "Adult Playground" feel to it with many Bed and Breakfasts, Inns and Lodges.  And there were wine tastings everywhere.  Wine tastings at the vineyards, wine tastings at the grocery store, wine tastings at the gas station, wine tastings in the lobby of the B&B.

Route One Roadside Attraction

There were so many great wines, it was almost aversion therapy.  You were gargling a fine Cabernet, then an Pinot, then another incredible Vinter's Master Reserve, then an amazing Zinfandel.

By then, the forward grapefruit was fighting with the lingering graphite. The resonant leather and smoke was washed away by hints of ginger and papaya while the pepper tones simply wandered off.

While the visit was incandescent in its beauty (pause), if we were to return to northern California, it would be for one thing that you cannot find in the PR of C.  No, not the surf, nor the spectacular views nor the air you can actually breathe, nor tall blonde people nor large bounteous grocery stores.  No, it would be the oysters.

Heading due west out of Napatown, we connected with famous Route One and cruised south down the coast from Tamales.  It is a food, and a place.

As we were stopping to admire the view, we learned we were in oyster country! While there are oysters in the PR of C, like certain other behaviors, consumption is considered...high risk.

So it was there, south of faire Tamales,  that we were able to inhale plates of excellent oysters grilled right after the oystermen brought them in from the bay.
No bleached oysters, these.

A crisp California Red Ale and a large plate of oysters was the perfect punctation point to begin the next phase of the Narcistic in Northern California,  Noisy in Naptown and Happy in Ho Chi Minh City tour.  Thanks for coming back and see you next week, when we discuss Tiny Weddings and Big Parties!

Roadside Oyster Paradise