Year of the Rabbit Photo Book from the Yellow River Chronicles....

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Second in the Series: Philistines in the Philippines...

The fireworks are beginning to thunder here on the Yellow River as Shanghai begins the wind-up to the Largest Holiday in the Universe, the +1.5 Billion strong Chinese New Year.  Some half a billion mainlanders go into motion as they head home for full week of partying and family visitation, People's Republic style.  Expect a full report at the end of the week here at the YRC.

The view from the hut

While you tremble in anticipation over next week's report, we will use 新年快乐 as an excuse begin the usual testy YRC commentary in our continuing coverage of Resorts at the End of the World.

When we last left you, the YRC staff had made it to Apulit Island, Palawan, the Philippines. It is a fine area, full of biodiversity, coral reefs, baby black tip sharks, uninhabited islands, many tropical fish, including barracuda and grouper, white sand beaches and a very diverse group of co-vacationers.

We had a fine over-the-water cottage at the end of the row with our own sweeping views of water and mountain.  The YRC staff had brilliant skies and shooting stars at night and the shimmering bay during the day.  We even had some YRC style key learnings, such as:

• Do not snorkel at low tide without some sort of protective gear on.  Coral can be...abrasive.
• There are DITCHES here, man.  Stay alert.
• Do not throw discarded clothing at the ceiling fan.
• Eating a lethal looking red chili pepper is not the best way to test for hotness.
• Shooting stars appear when you are not looking, so focus on not looking.
• Sound travels significantly farther over water.

Hut 51, Apulit Island, Palawan, Philippines.

But the best part was, as always, the people watching, and its upon this subject that the bulk of this missive shall ruminate. 


There were two main demographics:  large extended family groups from all over the world, including Brazil, Spain, Canada, Russia, Korea, Taiwan, Japan, the U.K. and Manila, and honeymooning couples from Korea.


Early in the process, we were able to locate a bar-like area where, comfortably clad in sunglasses, dark shirts and shorts, we could sip the local rum and lurk in the shade while we keenly observed the action.  We were delighted to observe that while the nationality of our co-vacationers was diverse, there were several district types of groups:

The view from the bar

1. Systematic Types:   Generally, they swarm in large groups on a tight schedule with a clear mandate to DO everything.  If there are kayaks they shall kayak. If there is coconut frond hat weaving, they shall hat weave.  If there are 47 items on the buffet, all 47 shall be tasted.  If there is a lecture by the staff on the dangers of the Philippine Cobra, they are in the front row taking notes.   Fun was to be had watching such a group wrestle on their flippers, masks and snorkels and frog walk the 20 meters to the water like the Clown Squad of the Navy Seals.
2. Sun Roasters:   They reside beach-side with no umbrella, generally from sun rise to sunset.  Regardless of age or their wrinkle/flab ratio, the man wears a classic Banana Hummock Speedo and the woman a tiny, tiny bikini.  They are dark, the color of mahogany and spend the day....roasting as they move with the sun like Mummy Sundials.   They wear white in the evenings and have their dermatologist on auto-dial. 
3. The Families:  They don't really seem to do anything, except gather in large groups at key choke points (entrances/exits/bars/dessert tables) and talk earnestly.  They have not seen each other in awhile.  There is alot to discuss.  Yes, there is the sunset and yes, the mango parfait is lovely but did you hear about Mom's nose surgery?  They have many strollers.  It is difficult to tell which child belongs to which family.  The babies are passed from person to person in a strange ritual of Musical Infants, where the last person holding the baby has to feed/change/silence the baby.  The other attribute of the Families is that they seem to like to take pictures of buffet food.  Tray of cheese?  <Click>  Chocolate fountain with marshmallows? <Click Click>.   Macaroni and cheese shaped to form a hermit crab?  Use the flash!
4. The Love Struck Couple:   They are alone together in a world of incandescent beauty.   Their love knows no limits.  They have matching flip flops as a symbol of their unity of thought and soul.  She may be MUCH younger than him.  Or maybe not.
5. Dark-Souled Bar Dwellers:  A quiet group, but fun at parties...

And Next Week:   We are love-struck that you stopped by to have a cold one and visit here at the YRC.  The Year of the Water Dragon is already shaping up for some new adventures, including the Siberian SeaGulls of Kunming and other mysteries.  Thanks again and see you next week!

First in the Series: Philistines in the Philippines for the Holidays!!

Hello and WELCOME BACK to the second YRC of the New Year.  As promised, this week we sail to the faire Philippines for some non-hazardous astronomical sightings and continued piercing observations into the human condition.  This is the first in a series of three on the amazing and remarkable Palawan region of the Philippines.

Mr. Perspective

We must start this missive with some "perspective" as Anton Ego used to say. Prior to our relocation to the People's Republic of China, the YRC staff believed that one of the many benefits of life on the Yellow River would be that perhaps, in a communist, non-theocratic nation, there would be minimal Winter Holiday commercialism. You know, Christmas decorations, dreary Celtic music and Evil Plastic Santas.  You have seen them of course, with their sinister glow, guarding yards and roofs around the world.

Ahem. In perspective, we were, well, deluded.  Mainland China has enthusiastically embraced the "holiday" of Christmas.   It currently produces nearly all of the christmas ornaments and plastic Santas in the world, so why not keep a few here?  So, hotel lobbys, shopping malls, convenience stores, hospitals, and massage parlors all gladly deck the Chinese halls with dozens of Santas, forests of Christmas trees and thousands of yards of blinking lights.  A veritable Chinese ARMY of Santas invades faire Shanghai and only leave when the Chinese New Year Decorations go up.  The Chinese just like holidays and bling, so the more, the merrier.  Sheng Dan Kuai Le to you, Comrade.

Every seat has a spectacular view 

Our escape from Chinese Christmas was to be to the Philippines, a large land of over 7,100 islands. This is the place where Magellan got whacked!  Gotta love it!  We would go far, far away, to tiny Apulit Island, in the Palawan region in southern Philippines.  There, we would escape the dual terror of Christmas in China and fall softly off the radar screen.  We would kayak and snorkel the reefs, hide out in a peaceful bungalow over the water, watch the stars at night, island hop during the day and escape the madness.   We are pleased to report that we accomplished, well, MOST of these.

Somewhere in Palawan, the Philippines

On to the journey!  While certain airlines give you a sense of luxury, some give you a sense of efficiency and grace, and others give you a sense of despair and pure terror.

The hop to Manila was uneventful except for the swarms of expat stoller people with mountains of luggage checking in for the flight to Manila.  The Philippines, as it turns out, is a popular location for expat families to spend the holidays.  So much for being trail blazers.  Sir, your child has micturated on my foot and do you really need to check a surfboard?

Heading South

While the flight to Manila was ...challenging, the wackiness picked up momentum when we headed out for Apulit after an overnight in Manila.  There is nothing more fun than flying in a small plane to an unpaved runway at an airport with no name.  They weigh you to make sure you can waddle on the plane, they weigh all of your luggage to make sure you have ONLY your ten kilos of luggage, including your carry-on and snacks, they load you on the plane like paratroopers and then you blast off over turquoise waters.

The Big Banca at Rest

Oh, to be a WWII fighter pilot in the Pacific.  Oh, to be getting ready to sink a freighter out of Shanghai loaded with Evil Plastic Santas.  But it was enough to be heading south flying low over hundreds of atolls and islands.


Roger that, Apulit Actual, this is Yankee Romeo Charlie, we are Oscar Mike. 

Once on the ground, we bounced to a banca. The banca ride was unique in the presence of outriggers and four heavy duty looking dudes in Raybans, heavy ammo belts and who shouldered mysterious cases carrying assault weapons.  Next stop, either an intense firefight, Mekong Delta style, or a tropical resort.  Tune in to next week's YRC to find out which, and thanks for tuning in!

The Yellow River Chronicles Looks Back on the Year and Wonders...

Heyooooo, Happy New Year and welcome back to the effervescent Yellow River Chronicles.  You may be pleased to know that we will be reporting LIVE from Chinese New Year in Shanghai this year.  This is a time in late January, early February when all expatriates flee the city like wine snobs retreating from a white zinfandel tasting.  However the YRC staff will stand fast and will be here to enjoy the dragon dances, holiday snacks and the endless crackle and thump of fireworks.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, you may also expect a full trip report, YRC-style from faire Apulit Island, Palawan, Philippines, where the intrepid YRC staff braved terrorists, tropical storms, midget black tip sharks and the Manila Airport in search of the Great Mellow, a boat drink which features tequila, sunshine, vodka, shrimp stock, lime, Pernod, absinthe and a small dash of bitters!

As the party of the first part, we would like to thank all our loyal readers and commentators for riding along as the YRC moves across the globe like a small car packed with clowns.  The staff, during a particularly grim or droll moment, will often invoke your spirit with "Ooooooo, should we put this in the column???"  So, thanks for being our travel buds this year.

As you know, we here at the YRC eschew chronological narrative commentary.  It is simply, so linear, and so accurate that we find ourselves at a loss on how to plod from point to point and keep it interesting.  So, we have fallen on the most favorite option of travel journalists, writing about whatever we so desire and then claiming it is indeed a travel journal.  We await our Pulitzer with bated breath.  In the meantime, we thought we might indulge in a little change up with our to be famous YRC Top Ten Travel Tips of 2011!

1. Rule Number One:   Never, never combine astronomy, cocktailing and spelunking in the same evening.   Choose two, and focus.  And, maybe, wear a headlamp when it's dark...
2. Rule Number Two:  Avoid consuming any fish on any airline, particularly East China air.  Yes, you may be crammed into the School Bus of the Air as you rattle your way through the smokey skies of the PR of C, and yes, you may have had nothing to eat for 14 hours except a barbecued lamb foot. a martini and some gum, but still...stay strong and put those chopsticks down.  You will thank us later.
3. Rule Number Three:   As soon as you can, learn the following three phrases in the native language:  "Hello",  "Thank You", and "Please Get Away From Me or I Will Stab You in the Groin".   The first two are the key to large smiles and fun adventures, the last one is particularly useful near temples, shopping centers and train stations.
4. Rule Number Four:   Travel as light as you can.  Serious.  You should move through through hotel lobbies, train stations, taxi lines, red light districts, airports, markets, and the occasional prison, light as a ghost ninja.  You should be able to dart like a spider on methadone, blend into the crowd like a narc and be able to sprint 500 meters to catch...some form of transport that is always leaving at the wrong time.  And, there is the risk that your treasured Bon Jovi t-shirts and argyle sweater vests will end up in lost luggage in small airport in another universe far, far away from you! 
5. Rule Number Five:  Verify your information.  Read all signs.  Check all documents three times.  Ask every question three times of three different people. Call, check, hang up, call, check again, then stop by and check again on your way out. 
6. Rule Number Six:  Carry as little camera equipment as possible and use it as little as possible.  It is better if you journal if you want to document the trip.  When you look through a lens, or, think about how you would frame a shot, you are not actually seeing what you are looking at. And given that you are traveling to see things, you may wish to only use the camera for that one important shot.  We have all seen Aunt Hilga's Flikr post of her 1,435 shots of rural Albania.
7. Rule Number Seven:  Always carry a map of your immediate vicinity and keep it with you at all times.  This is particularly useful when you are traveling long distances at night by taxi.  And, before you head out, agree with your traveling companion on which way is "North".  This will smooth the way when you inevitably get...lost.
8. Rule Number Eight:   To make lots of friends when boarding a plane be sure to bring all your earthly possessions with you on board, including a large instrument in a hard-shell case.  Be sure to thump as many people on the head as you move down the aisle hunting for an empty overhead bin.  If you don't find one, simply crush everything in the overhead that is nearest your seat by jamming the case into the overhead compartment.  Add to the fun by frequently opening the overhead during the flight, causing the contents to drop onto the already bruised heads of your row mates.
9. Rule Number Nine:  Make sure you do not store any key pharmaceuticals in bags of M&Ms, gummi sharks, trail mix, or anything else eaten in large handfuls.  This will keep you from inadvertently being thrown off the plane.   Trust us, it works!
10. Rule Number Ten:  The final rule is, of course, pay no attention to the YRC rules, and particularly to large yellow signs with danger signals.  Rules, schmuls!  Except, of course, at border crossings or around anybody with guns.

So that's it!  Once again, many thanks for following the YRC, and we hope to see you on the trail.  Next week, the YRC heads to faire Palawan for a tropical adventure!  Sharks!  Sand! Coral Scars!