The Three Plagues of Shanghai at the Yellow River Chronicles!

We are coming to destroy your city....resistance is futile.

Hello, greetings and welcome back to the Yellow River Chronicles.

As you may recall, we were supposed to continue with the final phase of the jocular adventures of the Three Buddhas.

But, instead of that tepid nonsense, we have breaking, urgent news here in the 'Hai.


As you may be aware, the Neon City has been having...well, animal problems in April, the cruelest month.  There are two current problems, and one potential future problem.  Why, because trouble ALWAYS comes in threes.

Problem the First:   As reported in, "Waiter, There Is A Pig In My Soup" there was the invasion of the Deadly River Pigs.  Footage below:

The Aquatic Porcine invasion ended with over 12,000 bobbing bacon bandits coming ashore in the 'Hai before being hauled away.  As a result, all of the pork in town was suspect and the other other white meat was no longer on the menu.  Restaurants quit serving any and all pork dishes, ham sandwiches were confiscated on the street and all of the pork in town got the "chop".

Then, just as things were settling down, a second plague appeared.
  

Problem the Second:   A particularly nasty strain of Avian flu, H7N9, has caused a near-panic and resulted in the summary execution of tens of thousands of chickens in the Shanghai area.





Here, in a YRC exclusive, is footage of the cull at a local Swedish restaurant:

And so another meat has disappeared from the tables, menus and hearts of the citizens of the Neon City.  Colonel Sanders is in tears, Mickey D's has switched to "Tofu McNuggets" (...a bit bland, sneers our YRC Senior Food Food Editor), and Buffalo chicken wings have now been replaced by "goat elbows" and such.  

Look!  A dragon. And ice cream!

The question now, during the Revenge of the Chinese Zodiac, is which animal will be the third and final seeker of vengeance in the Triad of Fear?  

It has been noted that the Chinese will consume all the members of the Chinese Zodiac except the dragon.  Dragons?  Nahhh.  Too cute these days.

Could it be that, the Japanese, finally tired of all the bickering about the <insert politically sensitive topic here...maybe islands> would unleash the fury of a favorite Japanese pre-historic lizard?

Watch next week as we tie the Three Buddhas and the Three Plagues together in an EPIC, never before seen, Yellow River Chronicles.  Until then, keep your radios turned up!

The Three Buddhas Go to Bangkok and Discover the Road Rules!

Greetings dear readers and welcome to back to the Yellow River Chronicles!   This week the Three Buddhas, content in the knowledge that they have Taken Their Pictures Standing in Front of Important Things in Cambodia, head to the mysterious and ancient Bangkok.

We are going to take our little spin on the catwalk and start the column with a contribution from YRC's Senior Music Editor:  Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok"

Floating market 10 minutes by boat from downtown Bangkok

So, that is what people THINK Bangkok is all about.  Tattoos.  Massages.  Happy Endings.  Transvestites.  Massages with Happy Endings. By Transvestites.  Truckloads of fresh picked ganja rolling down the streets with bales falling off.  Back packers on the banana trail.  And, chess, according to Mr. Head.

But people, you SO BAD!  The Three Buddhas will tell you what Bangkok is really about:  Beef Panang.  Pa-nang.  Tom Yung Gong. Guay Teow Lui Suan.  Gang Keow Wan.  Paad Thai. And of course, coconut pancakes.   We at the YRC staff would now like to say that we are hungry.  We would KILL for some Kao Niew Ma Muang right now.  Seriously, people.  Hellooooooo?  Sherpa's?  Sherpa's Home Delivery?

One Day in Bangkok

It must be exciting for you to watch a column MELTDOWN before your eyes.  (Sniff)  It's...the voices.  The voices say....the paad thai will be delivered in 40 minutes.

Okay, so back to the three Buddhas in Bangkok.  (Say that three times really fast).

It was in Bangkok, standing on a steet corner, that the Three Buddhas had the One Great Idea for the Trip.

Why?   Take any three post-alpha males, drop them in the middle of a city and they will, rather than coelesce into a fighting unit, begin to bicker about directions.  It goes like this.

Buddha A:   I think that is the Grand Palace over there.
Buddha B:   (Looking at a map).  No, we are here, so it is over there. (Points in opposite direction.
Buddha C:   Guys, I know I was here over two years ago and I don't remember much of the trip, but it should be in the same place.  And that is not here.  It is over there. (Jabs finger at map)
Buddha A:   That's the Grand Palace.  It's over there.
Buddha C:    That's a Thai House of Pancakes.  It's OVER THERE!
Buddha B:    (Still looking at map).  It's over there. (Pointing in a new direction).

Ganesha thinks the Palace is over....there.

So it was there, tempered by fire and borne of desperation, that the Road Rules were Forged:

The Team Buddha Road Rules:

Everybody has a job.  There are three jobs.  Trip Leader, Navigator, and Negotiator.

The Trip Leader plans the agenda for the day and makes the decisions on where Team Buddha is going and how long TB is going to stay there.  HE can accept ideas from the whiners, if he feels like it.  His decision is final unless it involves proximity to beer or paad thai.  Then a majority vote can overrule.

The Navigator takes the itinerary and navigates.  The other team members must drink a tall, ice-cold glass of SHUTUP, no matter how f*cking obvious it is that the restaurant is the OTHER WAY.  His word is final on all matters of how to get there.  No smirking.  No commentary.  No whining.

The Negotiator handles everything else:  reservations, buying tickets, negotiations, conversations with police, and any and all team interactions with the world.

He also is the tie vote in a showdown between the Navigator and the Team Leader and decides who the Team Leader is for the next day.

And while there were some constitutional challenges and general cheating, we rolled through Bangkok and back to next week's column, Team Buddha Hits Shanghai.  And we hope you will roll along with us!

The Reclining Buddha Always Knows Where He Is Reclining

The YRC Visits the Largest Religious Monument in the Universe and Other Tales from the Three Buddha Trail..

The Three Buddhas

Hello,  greetings and welcome back to this week's Yellow River Chronicles.  The YRC was delighted to host two senior (yuk yuk...age joke) contributors from the Empire of Corn, the American MidWest, to assist in this three-part series.

Hold on, because our whirlwind adventure includes Siem Reap in Cambodia, mysterious Bangkok and the World Below the Clouds in Yunnan in Western China.  We shall call these series of adventures, Tales from the Three Buddha Trail.

A Brief Reminder:  As you may recall, or regret as the case may be, the YRC eschews chronological travel narrative, personal spiritual insights, good writing of any kind, restaurant reviews, accuracy, pictures of food, and other traditional travel writing bon mots.

We do this as a courtesy to our readers, out of a thinly veiled sense of superiority and a quite open aversion to good note-taking.

In reality, a YRC report done in the contemporary vein would read something like this:

So, we arrived in...somewhere in Asia, just in time for the ..umm Festival of Curious Hats or something like that.   We got some hats to wear, but we got lost and the cab smelled like prunes or perhaps prune danish or perhaps raisins and our hotel was on that street that's was in the movie "Hangover Three".

However, despite all that, we will follow the Tales in chronological order.  So, we now jump unapologetically back to the beginning of the story at hand and the first stop, Cambodia and Angkor Wat.

Post-card, French,circa 1911.  Note the fruit

Cambodia, a country still recovering from a long and violent civil war, dates back to 612 AD. Its most famous monument is the temple complex of Angkor Wat. The ancient city of Angkor used to be a capital of the ancient Khmer Empire and was one of the largest cities in the world. This huge complex of buildings, covering about 600 square kilometers, was the center of the vast the Khmer Empire until it was destroyed by Siamese troops in 1431.  To give you a sense of historical perspective, 1431 is the year that Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.

More than 100 palaces and temples are concealed under lush tropical forest. 

One of the temples, Ta Prohm is known even to those who have never traveled to Cambodia before: this is where scenes from Tomb Raider 2 were filmed.  I have not seen the film but the roots were quite impressive.

What are you three idiots doing here?

The entire Wat complex is extremely popular.   Around one million people visit each year and once the doors open in the early morning, large groups of tourists wearing gaily colored matching hats stream into the site to have their pictures taken in front of things.  

The competition can get quite intense as roving bands of tourists stand with cellphones leveled waiting for the opportunity to work through a group of fifty, each of the them having their picture taken with their camera in front of the same tree.  This can take quite a bit of time if you are simply waiting to get by.

For example, the famous "Sunrise Over the Wat?" photo opportunity involves hiking in at 5:30am in the morning to sit by the moat while thousands of fellow photographers arrive with cameras and cell phones to also capture the sacred moment.

To capitalize on this, the Tourist Board of Cambodia is launching a new program called "Never Be Alone in Cambodia".  No matter where you go, no matter who you are, no matter what time it is, or what you are doing, You Are Never Alone in Cambodia!

Enjoy the stillness as the sun rises over the Temple!

The site itself was awe-inspiring. We will be using our sister site Click here to go the the picture site, please to publish a more "in-depth" photo collection in the near future.  And tune in next week, when the three Buddhas head to Bangkok!

Year of the Dragon

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